The Hair of the Dog by Charlee Marshall

The Hair of the Dog

There are dogs of all shapes and all sizes
There are dogs of all colours and breeds
There are some that you’d call early risers
And some that lie down in the weeds
But I’ll tell you about Mrs Grundy
She went to a dog-show one day
We have them back home on a Sunday
And you pop into church on the way
Oh, it’s nothing to see two alsatians
Tied up to the organist’s chair
Or a pair of well-mannered dalmatians
Who stand port-au-pointe for each prayer.

But one lady brought in a chihuahua
Just as the last service was due
He yapped with extraordinary power
And pee-ed on the leg of the pew
And his energy source didn’t falter
The strength of his lungs didn’t tire
Till he tore up the cloth on the altar
And put some high notes in the choir!
But when he had savaged the deacon
And spilled all the coins from his cup
Meg Grundy’s eyes lit up like a beacon
And she went out and ordered a pup.

Her efforts at grooming and training
I think I can safely abridge...
Her husband was always complaining
From his perch on top of the fridge
The milkman now shamefully cowers
The postmen don’t knock any more
I reckon a squad of chihuahuas
Could have altered the course of the war!
But, though he was petted and pampered
He couldn’t hold pace with his peers
And his progress was horribly hampered
Because he had hair in his ears.

Now hair in the ears of a winner
A dog-owner really don’t need
You can stuff him with steak every dinner
But he’ll never get best of the breed
But you folk don’t know Mrs Grundy
She’s a woman that won’t be denied
She went down to the chemists on monday
And she drew him away to one side
And softly, so none could reprove her,
For dog-owners often eaves-drop,
She asked for some strong hair-remover
The best that he had in his shop.

Well, the chemist gave thought for a second
He’d never seen Margaret before
Then his face brightened up and he beckoned
Her out to the back of the store
“I keep this stuff here for the farmers
Whose hair is as tough as barbed wire
I’m sure it will be cat’s pyjamas
For every place you desire...
Your facial hair won’t last a minute
On your arms it may take twice as long
There’s a powerful chemical in it
So, be careful, it’s awfully strong!

“Two drops on each leg is sufficient
But don’t wear your jeans after this
Underarm it is just as efficient
But give those tight sweaters a miss!”
Her voice dropped appreciably lower,
She placed both her hands on his arm,
“I’m using it on my chihuahua...
Do you think it will do any harm?”
The chemist was clearly stampeded
He struggled a moment to speak
“I’m sure it will do what is needed
But don’t ride your bike for a week!!”

-Charlee Marshall -

The Hair of the Dog

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