"I'll always be in your heart" he said, and ever since he's been in my head. by Colleen Kemmerer

"I'll always be in your heart" he said, and ever since he's been in my head.

The walls around come crashing down,
My makeup is creased with my insolent frown,

My tears stream out from emotionless eyes,
I’m sick of watching as my loved one dies,

Embedded in my brain forever,
The memories of a time when I never said never,

The morning they left for Tulsa it was an ordinary day,
I’ve been plagued ever since, with what, I couldn't say.

10 days of misery went painfully by,
When he called he lied and said his chances were high,

I listened to the love in his voice,
I knew right then I had no choice,

Hanging up the phone each night a tear escaped through clenched shut eyes,
"I love you daddy" I whispered unevenly as I heard his pained sighs,

We all knew the end was near,
Still that couldn't ease the grips of fear,

The night of May 14 he laughed and joked and told me to always be strong,
And then with a click his voice was gone,

The next day passed with the usual faces,
Just once again going through the familiar paces.

At 8AM a sharp shooting pain ripped through my heart,
Quite nearly tearing me apart,

As soon as it had come it was gone again,
And I spent the rest of the day laughing and joking with my friends,

Slowly teachers began to converge,
They gave me looks as if suppressing an urge,

Oblivious to anything except my 5th grade friends,
I didn't realize my life was falling apart from both ends.

That night as we were discussing fate,
My sister and I wondered why our parents' call was so late,

All of a sudden the door flew wide open,
And we looked to the foyer with expressions of blatant hoping.

Alas that moment the world stopped turning,
As I ran to my mother with my eyes already burning,

Through the door came most of the people, who'd been in my life,
I can never forget the sinking feeling as terror struck me like a knife,

"Is dad in the car?" I asked as I looked over people's shoulders,
The happiness at seeing my mother came crashing down like boulders,

"I don't see him" I proclaimed into the pained empty silence,
Already I could feel as my soul plunged into violence,

"Your daddy" my mother began,
Pausing as she contemplated her plan.

"He went home to God this morning" she said in a voice shaking with emotion,
Then the world suddenly slipped into a movie in slow motion.

No more dad? My brain tried to understand,
But already I’d been hurled into a foreign new land,

A world without bear hugs,
A world without Unisys coffee mugs,
A world without that booming voice,
A world without any choice,
A world without late night computer sessions,
A world without heartfelt confessions,
A world that seemed so empty and bleak,
A world in which I couldn't speak.

My voice was lost,
My heart had a newly acquired frost.

The world I came to know was never the same as the one I knew,
He never walked me to school again as I pranced in the sparkling dew.

My father would never return again,
It seemed to me like life would never be as joyous as it had been.

I’d give my life to hear his voice,
I’d change it all if I had a choice,

He was my father,
The one I used to sit behind and bother,

The person who could always rock me to sleep,
The one whose books and possessions I shall always keep,

May 15 I couldn't see the point in living,
Now I see the power in giving.

My heart was crushed,
My childhood was rushed,

But through it all,
I’ve kept what he had once scrawled.

"I’ll always be in your heart" it said,
And ever since that day he's been in my head.

-Colleen Kemmerer -

"I'll always be in your heart" he said, and ever since he's been in my head.

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